What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 01:07
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He resisted the act ,that day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Does eating bread before bed make you fat? If so, why?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Can we state Alia Bhatt as the most versatile actress in Bollywood now?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was in good health!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
How do police officers feel about the fear they instill into criminals?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was very sick at this time too.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
I waited trembling.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it wasn’t much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
Ive learnt so much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I don,t even have a pension.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools